atolnon: (Default)
( Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:40 pm)
I am all over, tonight. Mostly because tonight was unexpectedly moving night, something I assumed was going to happen then thought was off, then was back on again. As it was getting into the evening, I was beginning to settle in, and going to work on making sure my stuff was packed for the morning, but it turned out to be more convenient to move in tonight then tomorrow.

Unsurprisingly, it took me almost no time to get settled in, and Brent lent me the air mattress I'd been sleeping on, so I've got a bed thing going. I've actually got a lot more space, simply because I'm not sharing the room with guinea pigs but also because there's no furniture to speak of. I'm torn about purchasing anything anytime soon because I don't know if I'm going to be moving again soon, and also because in the next month, my cash is going to be in dramatic flux as I buy plane tickets, earn more checks, go to Archon (fly back with stuff), and earn more/pay debts. Financially speaking, it's a little irresponsible to go to Archon at the present time, but it was kind of irresponsible to fly up to Seattle with little money and no secure prospects, and that worked out ok.

And everyone knows how well my luck tends to hold, so there's that.  But honestly, that's a little over-hyping. For the current moment, everything is ok, if a little lonely. It's surprising how destabilizing moving out of the little room I was staying in and into this bigger, emptier one feels. It's not a large room, but it still feels almost uninhabitied. That'll probably change.

Things really arn't bad for me right now. By and large, I'm positive and happy, and frequently amused. I started training today, and I'm being paid for that, and my bosses seem nice. The position I'm in is one where, if I'm not going to get rich, I'll at least be able to get my financial legs under me, which is something that my best efforts didn't do back in Fairview. But, there are also plenty of times where I'm looking out the window and thinking that I miss people, and what should I do?

Practically, there really isn't anything to do. Well, not big changes. I think I've made all the big changes I really can, and I'm actually starting to see payoff, so I'm enthusiastic about following that up. So the angst I'm feeling really isn't the drive to flee my new environs, but is probably partially impaitiance, but it's also partially a combination of homesickness and the after-effects of my previous situation.

When talking to me, I feel one of the elephants in the room is my breakup with Viski. This isn't the only thing on my mind, but I think it's disingenuous to say it's not a factor for me. There was a period in time where that relationship was one of the few things I had going for me in a string of shit, and that seperation took a long time to sink in because it happened at a point where I was already kind of insane. So, part of my unease comes from the fact that I left both everything that was bad about my situation and most of the things that were left that were good. The other is the fact that I'm almost just now getting a clear look at what's happened to me in the past year.

It really does seem like a blur. This is shortly after I got my position at Circuit City last year, and I got really positive about things turning around for me. A little before that, well, sometime in the spring, was the last time that my family was together. So, even though things are coming up, they're coming up from a steep decent. If I'm looking at an upsurge in my fortune, I've certainly paid dearly for it in karma. Sometimes, I kind of wish I could have things back at the height of my good fortune, previous to now. My family was together, I had a girlfriend I loved, my brother wasn't in prison, I was living a life I like... hell, even my dog was alive. You know, you can't bring that back. Maybe I would if I could, but it's an intellectual excercise, and it's not like those things wouldn't get out eventually. It's wanting to go back to a time that seemed healthy, but it's hard to argue that it actually was.

So, I guess it's the melencholy you experience when contemplating loss. I left behind people I love, and I've seen a lot of the things I cherish dissapear from my life. In exchange, I have this job in the northwest. I feel a little like a pilgrim, who's in search of some kind of truth about himself and, little by little, more becomes exposed. It's interesting and neither unpleasent nor wholly pleasing, but it's a major reason for me being here today.

And if, at the end of this contract, I feel like my time here is up, I'll decide what to do next. I've got a permanant standing invitation to come home whenever I need to, so there's a chance I might, resplendant in physical and spiritual riches. Or maybe just a little peice of mind and a little money to start again, again.

atolnon: (Default)
( Sep. 4th, 2008 03:08 pm)


Journal entry was deleted.

At first, I was like, "Man, I can't delete that entry. Everyone's already seen it."

And then I was like, "Well, yeah I can."

You know, not because I don't support the upwelling of positive messages I got, but really because it's kind of embarrassing that I ended up writing something ridiculously maudlin while tipsy.

Again. Heh. Generally, I'm a bit of a spoilsport sometimes, and I basically deleted the entry because I could. I feel that if I didn't get drunk enough to develop any kind of hangover, I didn't get drunk enough to have to live with a permanent LJ entry that existed primarily as a testament to 1) positive but irritatingly sappy messages and 2) the fact that there was probably more vodka in that glass then I thought?

Just to be sure, my feelings are the same now as they were then. My opinion of the people that have helped me out is not easily measured. I was just a little irritated by my writing. >_> And, yeah, I am basically always super-happy about the people I've chosen to associate with. Love is a pretty good word for it, I guess? I think that I have the best friends, but I am still not putting out on a first date, no matter how much chocolate people bring. That is the way it is.

In other news, I went out to replace the beers I'd drank the past week, and pick up some soda and bread. It's a little bit of a walk down to the store, but I figured it wasn't too bad. Getting to the bottom, though, I looked back up and thought to myself "There is no way I'm carrying beer, soda, and bread up that fucking hill." I also cancelled plans to get my hair cut and walk to the Verizon store, since they're in opposite directions and I'd already blown time going to the store while I had to lock the dog up. So I'll probably either get everything straightened out tomorrow or on a weekend. Not having a car kind of sucks, because you really need to consider how you get about. If I had a little more money right now, I'd spring for a bike, but it's going to have to wait.

atolnon: (Default)
( Aug. 4th, 2008 11:06 am)
I feel like fucking shit. 
atolnon: (Default)
( Jul. 12th, 2008 11:32 pm)
I'm not sure what it is. On my going away party, I said that I'd miss my friends, but I wouldn't miss St. Louis. I think, honestly, that's the case because I'm looking through Facebook at peeps I know and thinking, "I wish I could hang out with these people tonight." Brent and Val are away camping, and I didn't go, which I don't really regret since I'd of had to borrow camping equipment from people I hardly know. Val's brother and sister-in-law are really nice, but I don't want to start borrowing their sleeping gear unless I'm abandoned in the woods anyhow. >_>

So, I'm feeling a little nostalgic, I guess? There arn't any times I'm particularly yearning for, just chatting face to face. I feel a little weird e-mailing people these days because it went so badly before I left and I ended up feeling kind of embarrassed about the whole thing.

I also found out that the business I worked for is starting to kind of fall apart at the seams. I don't know if they'll be able to keep it together, but if it wern't for the fact that I liked my co-workers when I was there, I'd be rooting for it to go under as an object lesson to bad business plans everywhere.

So, I'm just going to do some writing, maybe have a drink, do dishes and work on Exalted NPCs. I don't know if I'm really going to get to run this game anytime soon, but it never hurt to have a stock of NPCs anyhow. Thinking about starting a wiki to keep track of the game should it get sprawling.

I've decided pretty firmly now that I'm here, and the anxiety of leaving is past, that I want to stay and get situated in the city. I like the area and the ambiance, but I'm still kind of looking for a job. I wanted 3 options before the week was up and got nothing this time. I might apply to the coffee shops and book stores, though. Mostly I've been looking for office work. There's a chance, also, that the temp place well get in touch on Monday.
atolnon: (Default)
( Jul. 11th, 2008 09:45 am)
My nerves are getting worse, but I've still got a little while before I have to worry.

EDIT: I just applied for a Barrista/Administrative Coordinator position. I don't know what to make of that.
atolnon: (Default)
( Jul. 2nd, 2008 11:24 pm)
My thoughts on my situation are pretty complicated, and if anyone is really interested in knowing what's going on in my head pertaining to things now, well I don't mind saying. It's just, I tried writing them out, and they're long. Right? And that's probably dull.

Every morning I wake up and I ask, "Am I cool waking up here?" and when I send in a resume, I ask, "Would I be cool working and living here?" I always want to say, "No, I'd like to go home, with everything that entails." but I don't. That's not how I feel. I wish my friends were a short jaunt away, and I wish I could hang out like I used to. But I don't miss how I felt back there.

It's not geographical, it's emotional. It was a hopeless feeling; a nearly tangible force in which I felt I was slowly drowning. If I go back, it'll be on my terms, but I don't want to even while there are potent, compelling feelings acting on other levels.
atolnon: (Default)
( Jun. 18th, 2008 01:49 am)
Anxiety has been keeping me awake lately. I try to go to bed, and I really just can't. I'm ok as long as I'm supposed to be awake, but I can't seem to get any rest. I think I'm just really stressed with all that's going on in my life. I'm really glad I'm not working so I can readjust and take this time for myself, because going through this after I leave or while I'm working would be a nightmare.

Despite my exhaustion, and that's what it is, my schedule is much saner then before. I've been going to bed far, far, too late, but I've been getting about 6 hours, taking naps to deal with my situation, and getting up at noon isn't too bad, though about 10 AM is my target these days. But to feel relaxed, I might have to resort to falling asleep in my chair or something. >_>

Today was kind of neat. I'm trying to give stressed friends space to breathe, but I got a call from my friend Paul and we went out for coffee and Thai. Turns out that they showed up late, so only I got coffee, and we just chatted for about an hour. He was really interested in how I felt about work, which I didn't really want to rehash anymore, but he wanted to know how things had been so I went ahead. They ended up going strawberry picking, and I didn't get invited, so I went home and took a brief nap. Later on, it was dinner and then out to chat with Matt, Anthony and Brian C. about politics and light rail systems. We're all huge Obama fans, so this latest campaign fills us with a lot of optimism. The last campaign was a real blow to my sense of justice in the political system, but I'm really positive about this one.

I'm having a lot of second thoughts about the permanency of this move, though. I haven't been in a real stable, comfortable place prior, and even though I'm going, the situation isn't what I expected. I feel most confident about this when I'm around others, but when I'm by myself and it's late, I get some pretty intense second thoughts and when they hit, I'm convinced that I'm screwing myself. Rationally, though, I try to remember that if things go poorly and I can't hack it up there, I've got ways back, so I'm trying to think of it as a vacation with possible long term possibilities. In a way, though, it's just weird to find something I was so sure about not too long ago flip over on me, like a canoe in the rapids.

It's frustrating to get so neurotic! Feels just like when I was switching to nights, except my life sucks so... much... less. In fact, day to day, it's much, much better. I don't even know where to begin. It's so amazing. The switch to days is taking longer then I expected, and it's more stressful then I thought it would be (if I had gone back to days sooner, it would be a much simpler process. Initially, I'd automatically switch back because I was staying with Vi who was a calming influence and I wasn't fully acclimated, so it was easy to go to bed at midnight) but my quality of life is dramatically improved and I even feel better about myself. If it wasn't for the stress and lack of sleep, I'd almost say it was miraculous.

So, I guess the Vampire game is gonna be at the Ethical Society. I plan on being at Vampire and Mage, and going for afters, so while I'd be ok with driving, I'd also be down with carpooling. I'm not sure where Mage is going to be though, or if everyone who's going to Vampire is going to Mage too, so I'll do what it takes. I want to say bye as much as play, so I won't miss this even if I'm as exhausted then as I am now. I forgot where Mage was going to be held at, so I'll try to get that before Saturday even happens.

Props for awesome friends. I'm not so hot on the awful beer lately, though. Why does everyone insist on Miller Light? It's so bad! >.<;;
atolnon: (Default)
( Jun. 17th, 2008 12:11 pm)
I'm beat like a rug.

You know what this feels like? Fucking... jet lag. That's it. It feels like jet lag. I'm like 8 hours from where I need to be.

atolnon: (Default)
( Jun. 16th, 2008 02:20 am)
It's late, and I'm finally beginning to get tired. As always is the case with a radical time adjustment, there's a certain amount of havoc done to the emotional levels I think because chemicals and expectations get all fucked up. The way that I know things are working, though, is that I feel fundamentally good about it instead of the kind of creeping dread/general misery that I experienced with the transition to my call center job. In retrospect, Circuit City was a much better place to work even if, in the odd way that things worked out, the call center proved to be more financially supportive. So, here's the big upside: most of the things in my life were likely to end up like they are now anyhow; the relationship I was in had some flaws that became exposed, many of my friends are still going to move away, I haven't been able to find a really decent job yet, what have you. But, the tiny extra amount of money I made being miserable might just be enough to jump start my next step.

Maybe I should write my boss a thank you card? Well, let's not get carried away. When the best thing you can say about your gig is that you can use the money to fly far away, it's not a good one. ^_^;

One of the interesting things, though, is that I kind of felt like a part of me came out of hibernation yesterday. I'm just much happier then I've been any time since I started. The feeling of wellbeing might beat anything that occurred, except for some spikes, any time since before last summer. Not that everything has suddenly become clear and right again, but more that I don't feel that being miserable is part of my life that is a 'must' anymore.

But I was looking through my stock of games, and I realized I lent an awful lot of them out to others. The ones I wanted to play, I actually never owned in the first place. I realized that games like Persona 3 were Vi's the whole time, and then I worried that maybe I should have given her first crack at borrowing the PS2 before I remembered she's actually got one of the newer, thin ones. I've still got the clunky black box from the second major release running for me. I remember getting that thing in high school, so it's certainly served me well over the years. OTOH, I'm not really one for gaming nostalgia. I want a next gen system, I just can't afford one yet. x_x

So, my plans for tomorrow involve giving everyone a round of calls to see what's up and trying to get some information out of parents and vets to wrap up this rat and resume thing. I was hoping to get the rat cage and care book from [profile] viski today, but the poor girl is struck with strep throat, or something equally awful sounding, so even if Momma Rat has been successfully diagnosed, treatment needs to wait until I've got a cage I can separate them into. Also, neither Momma nor Baby Rat like the dry peas I got for them, so I'll never get those again. >_>

I'll probably start writing and doing game stuff again by tomorrow. It took almost no time for my desire to do that again to come back to me. I think situational depression really but the kibosh on my desire to do anything, and I feel a lot of mental energy returning, so that's good. I might, might go to GameStop to pick up a copy of certain games if I can find them for cheap enough. I have a few I haven't played, but don't feel real up to at the moment. I'm not hard up for money, really, but I also don't want to spend frivolously because I know that there could be a situation where I'll need to apply those funds more crucially.

I know. Kind of a long post. I'm just kind of grateful to be in the head space I'm at right now then how I was just a week ago.
atolnon: (Default)
( Jun. 6th, 2008 02:26 am)
'Tired' isn't quite the word for it. Neither, really, is 'depressed', 'sad', or even 'unhappy'. I just kind of feel like I'm waiting, and that I've given a lot of what I've had to give, and that I'm a little used up at the moment. Here I go, dutifully coming into work for the meager check they give me, and I try to stay ahead of my bills before I go. In kind of the same way, I worry a little bit that I've started to use up some of the good will others have for me 'cause I've been pretty consistently whining. So, you know, I don't feel like that anymore, but I kind of wish my responsibilities would fade away a bit so that I could spend my time with the people here that I care about and have a reasonably good time for a while.

For some time now, I've been unable to really travel anywhere or do much of anything. No new groceries, shitty coffee, no gas, worrying that checks had bounced. I'm waiting for a couple of other shoes to drop, actually, and have figured into my expenses. According to what I'm guessing, I should be able to mostly meet my goal for away funds, which I overshot on purpose, more or less. I'll probably call or e-mail friends about specific days and plans in the next day or so.

More then one person has expressed an interest in hanging out before I go. At this point, I'm not sure if I'll be able to meet with everyone or do everything I'd planned. I know for sure that some of the things I wanted to do are highly unlikely at this point, depending on the thing, for varying reasons. Driving to St Peters for anything seems really dubious right now, with gas and my car, for one example. I'll probably end up making it on principle for the Friday venue, but I'm still increasingly uncomfortable with the lone trip I'll have to make, and my biggest incentives to go are that 1) I said I would, and I hate going back on that and 2) some of the friends I want to see. It just feels like a massive undertaking at this point, which is way more then it really is. That's just how it feels.

There are easily a dozen small things I need to do before I'm ready, and a few larger things. I've been putting a lot of them off because they haven't been convenient. It's probably time to draw up a list and try to get a bead on what I want to accomplish.

It's, like, 5 am at work right now and I'm surprisingly famished. Usually I bring in a Hot Pocket or a sandwich to tide me over until I get home and, well, I'm always hungry when I get home but it's only an issue in the last half hour of work or so. But anyhow, here I am thinking deep thoughts about art, gaming, and experience points when my stomach rumbles. I realize I've read something about pierogi, which I've never heard of until last week and now they're cropping up in all kinds of shit I'm reading, and I'm thinking about how good they sound.

And that's how you know you're hungry, if the pangs in your stomach don't educate you properly.

Normally, there's all kinds of up-for-grabs shit in the fridge that I pass on. I've got this vaguely defined fear of eating stuff left in the fridge at work for reasons that range from 'is this still good?' and 'what if someone else has dibs?' to 'I don't want to wash a dish at work'*. When you're hungry though, it's surprising what you're willing to either rationalize or just blame on someone else. There was lasagna in there yesterday, but nothing today. Just my luck. Looks like I'm waiting until morning.

By the time I get home, I'm willing to eat anything, but lately eggs have been a huge favorite. I'm not sure what's gotten into me, but I guess just regular eggs have gotten boring though, so I've started mixing them with weird things. Two days ago, I wanted nothing more then eggs on steaming rice with japanese mayo and soysasuce. I settled for swapping the rice for bread, but it was surpringly excellent. Last morning, it was leftover salmon and eggs steamed in soysauce on toast.  

I realized that since I've started midnights, my breakfasts when I cook have been consistantly odd. Like the time Taco Bell was closed (Because they don't open until 9.**) so I made some kind of weird random taco things, complete with a spontaniously created taco sauce because I refused to eat tacos sans sauce. I was, in fact, so enamored of my taco-creations that I took pictures of them with my camera phone. I haven't posted them on the net, or anything, but I've still got them. I don't know why.

So, food is this weird thing with me. But I really want weird polish dumplings now.

* Which I've learned is my job anyhow for some reason, so whatever.
** Look, I'm just not used to thinking about Taco Bell being closed.

Did you know there's a 'good' emoticon, but not a 'bad' one? And on this image set, the good one has a little halo - as if it indicated moral or spiritual goodness. The closest they probably have, then, is 'naughty' which really has kind of a different connotation. They also have flirty, horny, and hot, but hot really just seems to indicate that one's temperature is too high. 

I think my favorite is probably horny, because it gets tiny little horns. Like, in addition to being sexually aroused, the icon has also genetically mutated. Let this be a warning to you all.

Right now, I'm feeling tired and hungry, but I'm chiefly feeling pretty mellow on account of nothing happening. I don't hear any of the prelude to terror that is represented by howling winds tonight, so with any luck I'll just end up thinking about political blogs and gaming all night. 



atolnon: (Default)


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