Last of the Post-hicans

I mean, not forever, but I'll probably buy something in campus when I'm there tomorrow to write in. Most of my journals have been started at important turning points in my life - one was right as I was moving back to Illinois from Seattle, another started right as I was beginning grad school - the most recent kind of ran out of pages pretty recently and I can't really say that it's starting at any particular turning point, but that's okay. It's always just been happenstance. Until recently, I didn't really think of myself as the kind of guy who'd have a shelf of journals, but I'm a little surprised to find that I'm getting to that point. I've come a long way and it's strange to think of myself changing so much in only a few years, really, but what I've been writing and how I've been writing has really changed substantially.

That idea scared me a lot as a young child. Changing and growing as a person, even as a child of 4 or 5, I knew was a kind of death. 'That' person - who was you - doesn't exist in the same way anymore. So they're gone forever. Am I now a kind of doppleganger? Pretending to be- existing in the same continuity, responsible for the actions of - a person who no longer exists? In many ways, I haven't always liked who I've been or who I was. I'm fine with that person changing - becomeing me - and for me to slowly 'not exist' anymore, too. To become more of the person I aspire to be.

I don't know if you have all enjoyed this burst of more intense posting - if you have, I might try to keep it up. Otherwise I'll probably revert to type - and type less. I've resigned myself to having a fairly constant presence here - I don't think I'll leave LiveJournal for another platform. As a journal online, it does pretty much everything I want it to do. It seems very sparse lately, compared to what it was when I was younger, and people don't really keep online journals in the same way as they used to - what a strange window of time that online journalling existed in!