A Window, A Light...

Things really arn't bad for me right now. By and large, I'm positive and happy, and frequently amused. I started training today, and I'm being paid for that, and my bosses seem nice. The position I'm in is one where, if I'm not going to get rich, I'll at least be able to get my financial legs under me, which is something that my best efforts didn't do back in Fairview. But, there are also plenty of times where I'm looking out the window and thinking that I miss people, and what should I do?

Practically, there really isn't anything to do. Well, not big changes. I think I've made all the big changes I really can, and I'm actually starting to see payoff, so I'm enthusiastic about following that up. So the angst I'm feeling really isn't the drive to flee my new environs, but is probably partially impaitiance, but it's also partially a combination of homesickness and the after-effects of my previous situation.

When talking to me, I feel one of the elephants in the room is my breakup with Viski. This isn't the only thing on my mind, but I think it's disingenuous to say it's not a factor for me. There was a period in time where that relationship was one of the few things I had going for me in a string of shit, and that seperation took a long time to sink in because it happened at a point where I was already kind of insane. So, part of my unease comes from the fact that I left both everything that was bad about my situation and most of the things that were left that were good. The other is the fact that I'm almost just now getting a clear look at what's happened to me in the past year.

It really does seem like a blur. This is shortly after I got my position at Circuit City last year, and I got really positive about things turning around for me. A little before that, well, sometime in the spring, was the last time that my family was together. So, even though things are coming up, they're coming up from a steep decent. If I'm looking at an upsurge in my fortune, I've certainly paid dearly for it in karma. Sometimes, I kind of wish I could have things back at the height of my good fortune, previous to now. My family was together, I had a girlfriend I loved, my brother wasn't in prison, I was living a life I like... hell, even my dog was alive. You know, you can't bring that back. Maybe I would if I could, but it's an intellectual excercise, and it's not like those things wouldn't get out eventually. It's wanting to go back to a time that seemed healthy, but it's hard to argue that it actually was.

So, I guess it's the melencholy you experience when contemplating loss. I left behind people I love, and I've seen a lot of the things I cherish dissapear from my life. In exchange, I have this job in the northwest. I feel a little like a pilgrim, who's in search of some kind of truth about himself and, little by little, more becomes exposed. It's interesting and neither unpleasent nor wholly pleasing, but it's a major reason for me being here today.

And if, at the end of this contract, I feel like my time here is up, I'll decide what to do next. I've got a permanant standing invitation to come home whenever I need to, so there's a chance I might, resplendant in physical and spiritual riches. Or maybe just a little peice of mind and a little money to start again, again.

I feel like fucking shit. 

My nerves are getting worse, but I've still got a little while before I have to worry.

EDIT: I just applied for a Barrista/Administrative Coordinator position. I don't know what to make of that.

Anxiety has been keeping me awake lately. I try to go to bed, and I really just can't. I'm ok as long as I'm supposed to be awake, but I can't seem to get any rest. I think I'm just really stressed with all that's going on in my life. I'm really glad I'm not working so I can readjust and take this time for myself, because going through this after I leave or while I'm working would be a nightmare.

Despite my exhaustion, and that's what it is, my schedule is much saner then before. I've been going to bed far, far, too late, but I've been getting about 6 hours, taking naps to deal with my situation, and getting up at noon isn't too bad, though about 10 AM is my target these days. But to feel relaxed, I might have to resort to falling asleep in my chair or something. >_>

Today was kind of neat. I'm trying to give stressed friends space to breathe, but I got a call from my friend Paul and we went out for coffee and Thai. Turns out that they showed up late, so only I got coffee, and we just chatted for about an hour. He was really interested in how I felt about work, which I didn't really want to rehash anymore, but he wanted to know how things had been so I went ahead. They ended up going strawberry picking, and I didn't get invited, so I went home and took a brief nap. Later on, it was dinner and then out to chat with Matt, Anthony and Brian C. about politics and light rail systems. We're all huge Obama fans, so this latest campaign fills us with a lot of optimism. The last campaign was a real blow to my sense of justice in the political system, but I'm really positive about this one.

I'm having a lot of second thoughts about the permanency of this move, though. I haven't been in a real stable, comfortable place prior, and even though I'm going, the situation isn't what I expected. I feel most confident about this when I'm around others, but when I'm by myself and it's late, I get some pretty intense second thoughts and when they hit, I'm convinced that I'm screwing myself. Rationally, though, I try to remember that if things go poorly and I can't hack it up there, I've got ways back, so I'm trying to think of it as a vacation with possible long term possibilities. In a way, though, it's just weird to find something I was so sure about not too long ago flip over on me, like a canoe in the rapids.

It's frustrating to get so neurotic! Feels just like when I was switching to nights, except my life sucks so... much... less. In fact, day to day, it's much, much better. I don't even know where to begin. It's so amazing. The switch to days is taking longer then I expected, and it's more stressful then I thought it would be (if I had gone back to days sooner, it would be a much simpler process. Initially, I'd automatically switch back because I was staying with Vi who was a calming influence and I wasn't fully acclimated, so it was easy to go to bed at midnight) but my quality of life is dramatically improved and I even feel better about myself. If it wasn't for the stress and lack of sleep, I'd almost say it was miraculous.

So, I guess the Vampire game is gonna be at the Ethical Society. I plan on being at Vampire and Mage, and going for afters, so while I'd be ok with driving, I'd also be down with carpooling. I'm not sure where Mage is going to be though, or if everyone who's going to Vampire is going to Mage too, so I'll do what it takes. I want to say bye as much as play, so I won't miss this even if I'm as exhausted then as I am now. I forgot where Mage was going to be held at, so I'll try to get that before Saturday even happens.

Props for awesome friends. I'm not so hot on the awful beer lately, though. Why does everyone insist on Miller Light? It's so bad! >.<;;

It's late, and I'm finally beginning to get tired. As always is the case with a radical time adjustment, there's a certain amount of havoc done to the emotional levels I think because chemicals and expectations get all fucked up. The way that I know things are working, though, is that I feel fundamentally good about it instead of the kind of creeping dread/general misery that I experienced with the transition to my call center job. In retrospect, Circuit City was a much better place to work even if, in the odd way that things worked out, the call center proved to be more financially supportive. So, here's the big upside: most of the things in my life were likely to end up like they are now anyhow; the relationship I was in had some flaws that became exposed, many of my friends are still going to move away, I haven't been able to find a really decent job yet, what have you. But, the tiny extra amount of money I made being miserable might just be enough to jump start my next step.

Maybe I should write my boss a thank you card? Well, let's not get carried away. When the best thing you can say about your gig is that you can use the money to fly far away, it's not a good one. ^_^;

One of the interesting things, though, is that I kind of felt like a part of me came out of hibernation yesterday. I'm just much happier then I've been any time since I started. The feeling of wellbeing might beat anything that occurred, except for some spikes, any time since before last summer. Not that everything has suddenly become clear and right again, but more that I don't feel that being miserable is part of my life that is a 'must' anymore.

But I was looking through my stock of games, and I realized I lent an awful lot of them out to others. The ones I wanted to play, I actually never owned in the first place. I realized that games like Persona 3 were Vi's the whole time, and then I worried that maybe I should have given her first crack at borrowing the PS2 before I remembered she's actually got one of the newer, thin ones. I've still got the clunky black box from the second major release running for me. I remember getting that thing in high school, so it's certainly served me well over the years. OTOH, I'm not really one for gaming nostalgia. I want a next gen system, I just can't afford one yet. x_x

So, my plans for tomorrow involve giving everyone a round of calls to see what's up and trying to get some information out of parents and vets to wrap up this rat and resume thing. I was hoping to get the rat cage and care book from viski today, but the poor girl is struck with strep throat, or something equally awful sounding, so even if Momma Rat has been successfully diagnosed, treatment needs to wait until I've got a cage I can separate them into. Also, neither Momma nor Baby Rat like the dry peas I got for them, so I'll never get those again. >_>

I'll probably start writing and doing game stuff again by tomorrow. It took almost no time for my desire to do that again to come back to me. I think situational depression really but the kibosh on my desire to do anything, and I feel a lot of mental energy returning, so that's good. I might, might go to GameStop to pick up a copy of certain games if I can find them for cheap enough. I have a few I haven't played, but don't feel real up to at the moment. I'm not hard up for money, really, but I also don't want to spend frivolously because I know that there could be a situation where I'll need to apply those funds more crucially.

I know. Kind of a long post. I'm just kind of grateful to be in the head space I'm at right now then how I was just a week ago.