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This is a little long, a little drawn out, and a little whiny. I haven't been doing much but dealing with shit that's come up one thing after another. The stuff in here isn't even the start of it, but so it goes.
It's not that bad a day out, today, which is why we've had all the windows open and box fans blowing. Are thermostat is set to about 81 degrees because our last AC bill was $200, which we really, really can't afford right now. A cloudy, 80 degree day is just what the doctor ordered.
I spent a good chunk of the morning with a cross tire iron working over the bolts on one of my wheels, trying to get the tire off. The last time I got a flat, Frank had to come out and bail me out because I was pretty much useless, but I've got a handle on it this time. The damned tire was really on there good, though. I'm out there with gardening gloves, rolling my eyes and putting my legs and back into it thinking, "Of course my tire goes flat when I'm totally broke." and I get to worry about that for a few days rather then looking for a new gig.
There's no point in exaggerating when I say that things have not gotten better for us. There's the additional humiliation in applying and receiving food assistance from the state. I feel shitty when I go the grocery store and I've got my state-provided debit card for unemployment insurance to run for my groceries. I silently double check my hand basket looking for objectionably items. I remember when I was working and this article came up on Salon and I, in large part, supported the food decisions of foodies.* As I said earlier this week to Katie, "I don't know what purpose is served by purchasing the cheapest, mass produced food when we're trying to stay healthy** and find work."
And we do eat healthily, but we're also cutting out almost every extra cost from our lives. Subscriptions to magazines, most charitable giving (sadly), we've raised the thermostat to 81. We buy the full chicken, make stock, buy the dry beans and rice. We tried to garden, but it's pretty hit and miss. We've learned a lot by trying to make money stretch, but we both still feel really guilty. We debate about if we can justify going to meet friends because of gas, we discuss buying luxuries like coffee or the occasional beer.*** Maybe, strictly speaking, when you're relying on these kinds of income assistance, you shouldn't be spending your money on luxuries at all. We justify Netflix because it's only a few dollars a month and we don't go out anymore, and perhaps the coffee (in bulk, like most of our food, now) and sometimes beer are 'sins' against the taxpayers.
But I guess what I'm saying is that they feel like small sins from a pair of people who are really trying and things have turned pretty rough over the last few months. We've had to endure some other bizarre events, like Katie's mother saying that being felt up on the job and being pushed out of employment are things to be endured and not to even tell others or me having lost a friend of over a decade because of a passing comment online to someone else entirely. I complain a lot. I'm a lot more negative then I would otherwise be. It's sad, because I'm at the cusp of a really good time in my life, and it feels like someone's hung a cloud over my head. I feel like I'm being kind of set to the side from my long standing friends because, well, out of sight out of mind and who needs someone this negative around all the time, in any event?
It's not all shit, though, I probably ought to mention. While we're hoping for things to turn around, Katie and a friend are working on starting up a video/commercial company for local businesses and I'm still looking for work, I'm writing, and I'm trying to find avenues to submit proposals in various capacities. The work I've done in the past on gaming systems and in character fiction writing seems like the kind of thing that might find a taker, but like always, it takes time.
* Found by Google searching "hipster foodstamp articles", of course. It has a companion article here. And there's always this.
** This is a major priority. I don't have health insurance, and that's a serious issue.
*** Certainly not on our link card, which actually has not even been used yet. You can't even purchase hot foods from a grocery deli with one, or even soaps and shampoos.
It's not that bad a day out, today, which is why we've had all the windows open and box fans blowing. Are thermostat is set to about 81 degrees because our last AC bill was $200, which we really, really can't afford right now. A cloudy, 80 degree day is just what the doctor ordered.
I spent a good chunk of the morning with a cross tire iron working over the bolts on one of my wheels, trying to get the tire off. The last time I got a flat, Frank had to come out and bail me out because I was pretty much useless, but I've got a handle on it this time. The damned tire was really on there good, though. I'm out there with gardening gloves, rolling my eyes and putting my legs and back into it thinking, "Of course my tire goes flat when I'm totally broke." and I get to worry about that for a few days rather then looking for a new gig.
There's no point in exaggerating when I say that things have not gotten better for us. There's the additional humiliation in applying and receiving food assistance from the state. I feel shitty when I go the grocery store and I've got my state-provided debit card for unemployment insurance to run for my groceries. I silently double check my hand basket looking for objectionably items. I remember when I was working and this article came up on Salon and I, in large part, supported the food decisions of foodies.* As I said earlier this week to Katie, "I don't know what purpose is served by purchasing the cheapest, mass produced food when we're trying to stay healthy** and find work."
And we do eat healthily, but we're also cutting out almost every extra cost from our lives. Subscriptions to magazines, most charitable giving (sadly), we've raised the thermostat to 81. We buy the full chicken, make stock, buy the dry beans and rice. We tried to garden, but it's pretty hit and miss. We've learned a lot by trying to make money stretch, but we both still feel really guilty. We debate about if we can justify going to meet friends because of gas, we discuss buying luxuries like coffee or the occasional beer.*** Maybe, strictly speaking, when you're relying on these kinds of income assistance, you shouldn't be spending your money on luxuries at all. We justify Netflix because it's only a few dollars a month and we don't go out anymore, and perhaps the coffee (in bulk, like most of our food, now) and sometimes beer are 'sins' against the taxpayers.
But I guess what I'm saying is that they feel like small sins from a pair of people who are really trying and things have turned pretty rough over the last few months. We've had to endure some other bizarre events, like Katie's mother saying that being felt up on the job and being pushed out of employment are things to be endured and not to even tell others or me having lost a friend of over a decade because of a passing comment online to someone else entirely. I complain a lot. I'm a lot more negative then I would otherwise be. It's sad, because I'm at the cusp of a really good time in my life, and it feels like someone's hung a cloud over my head. I feel like I'm being kind of set to the side from my long standing friends because, well, out of sight out of mind and who needs someone this negative around all the time, in any event?
It's not all shit, though, I probably ought to mention. While we're hoping for things to turn around, Katie and a friend are working on starting up a video/commercial company for local businesses and I'm still looking for work, I'm writing, and I'm trying to find avenues to submit proposals in various capacities. The work I've done in the past on gaming systems and in character fiction writing seems like the kind of thing that might find a taker, but like always, it takes time.
* Found by Google searching "hipster foodstamp articles", of course. It has a companion article here. And there's always this.
** This is a major priority. I don't have health insurance, and that's a serious issue.
*** Certainly not on our link card, which actually has not even been used yet. You can't even purchase hot foods from a grocery deli with one, or even soaps and shampoos.
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Ultimately, though, I think it's mostly just a hit to pride. You're not stealing from the state. You have a legitimate need, even if on the grander scale no citizen should ever have to feel such a need.
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Our situation doesn't get me down by itself; being broke is pretty survivable and we're both working diligently on it, so it's just a status ailment that we're afflicted with at the moment.
What bothers me are the looks we get and the stuff people say; Katie's parents are pretty incredibly patronizing and even the stuff you see online talking about people who use benefits that we've paid into as taxpayers is pretty hurtful, because you know that even if they don't know you personally there's someone out there that thinks you're scum.
But, you know, you can't let people like that get to you or you're through anyhow.