8/25/14

I'm working about 35 hours per week in the warehouse and going back to school.

Grad school is both, where I'm at, less structured and more intense, but the expectations set for me - while very real - actually, initially, are less than what I probably would have set for myself. We haven't gotten into the paper writing, which will raise the ante considerably.

So much has happened, recently.

...

There's a lot to process. Before I went back to class, I said I was making a lot of changes. Most of those are things you can't actually see. They were explicitly conceptual in nature. I've been thinking really, really hard about how I want to express myself, where I'll do it, what I want, and how I think about myself. It's also difficult, literally physically, to follow through, to find the time, to make those thoughts real because my habits are to run myself into the ground. I've switched from getting blackout drunk to getting blackout exhausted.

I've been very aggressive with myself. I've been very aggressive with my expectations. I set them always a little higher than I can meet. I found myself out in the yard before class in the heat with a weedeater and lawn mower attacking the yard; my shirt was literally stuck to my chest and back and I thought, "This is terrible." then, "If I work at every moment, then I can look anyone in the eye with dignity." The work ethos is there, but there's something toxic in that. It's a little like eating the apple to the core, the little seed pips like bitter almonds.

There's time for rest, of course. But respite from labor comes when the job is done.