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At this point, I find being at the front of a classroom to be a deeply emotionally exhausting enterprise and grading is likewise incredibly stressful for me. It's really not a matter of stagefright or even feeling like a fraud (which I hear come up a lot) because I know what I'm about. Which is to say, I don't feel like a fraud because that implies I'm masquerading as something I'm not but what is happening is that I know I'm not especially qualified to be teaching comp because of my focus on lit, and I never really claimed I was. I don't think I'm doing a bad job, exactly. I just have to figure that, with the hiring freeze in place on a campus that literally has more incoming freshmen this year than it's ever had, the university has found itself hard pressed to find a solution to their shortage of instructors.
I think there's a lot that's messed up about having a hiring freeze on when 'business' is booming, but that doesn't mean it's atypical. I think it's foolish to imagine that a bunch of TAs are teaching front and center because the department really thinks it's likely to result in especially good pedagogy. My guess is that it was a department compromise against raising class sizes even higher or turning 101 into a lecture hall class.
Looking at it that way helps, honestly. Which is good, because I need all the emotional and mental support I can get. It takes the burden of responsibility for the root situation off my shoulders and lets me focus on doing the best I can with the training and time I have. I don't like, however, how much it takes away from my own reading for class, my prep writing, and my research for my thesis. Part of me really is starting to think that this culture of exhausting academic work is almost designed intentionally to prevent academics from getting much work done.
I think there's a lot that's messed up about having a hiring freeze on when 'business' is booming, but that doesn't mean it's atypical. I think it's foolish to imagine that a bunch of TAs are teaching front and center because the department really thinks it's likely to result in especially good pedagogy. My guess is that it was a department compromise against raising class sizes even higher or turning 101 into a lecture hall class.
Looking at it that way helps, honestly. Which is good, because I need all the emotional and mental support I can get. It takes the burden of responsibility for the root situation off my shoulders and lets me focus on doing the best I can with the training and time I have. I don't like, however, how much it takes away from my own reading for class, my prep writing, and my research for my thesis. Part of me really is starting to think that this culture of exhausting academic work is almost designed intentionally to prevent academics from getting much work done.