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Things really arn't bad for me right now. By and large, I'm positive and happy, and frequently amused. I started training today, and I'm being paid for that, and my bosses seem nice. The position I'm in is one where, if I'm not going to get rich, I'll at least be able to get my financial legs under me, which is something that my best efforts didn't do back in Fairview. But, there are also plenty of times where I'm looking out the window and thinking that I miss people, and what should I do?
Practically, there really isn't anything to do. Well, not big changes. I think I've made all the big changes I really can, and I'm actually starting to see payoff, so I'm enthusiastic about following that up. So the angst I'm feeling really isn't the drive to flee my new environs, but is probably partially impaitiance, but it's also partially a combination of homesickness and the after-effects of my previous situation.
When talking to me, I feel one of the elephants in the room is my breakup with Viski. This isn't the only thing on my mind, but I think it's disingenuous to say it's not a factor for me. There was a period in time where that relationship was one of the few things I had going for me in a string of shit, and that seperation took a long time to sink in because it happened at a point where I was already kind of insane. So, part of my unease comes from the fact that I left both everything that was bad about my situation and most of the things that were left that were good. The other is the fact that I'm almost just now getting a clear look at what's happened to me in the past year.
It really does seem like a blur. This is shortly after I got my position at Circuit City last year, and I got really positive about things turning around for me. A little before that, well, sometime in the spring, was the last time that my family was together. So, even though things are coming up, they're coming up from a steep decent. If I'm looking at an upsurge in my fortune, I've certainly paid dearly for it in karma. Sometimes, I kind of wish I could have things back at the height of my good fortune, previous to now. My family was together, I had a girlfriend I loved, my brother wasn't in prison, I was living a life I like... hell, even my dog was alive. You know, you can't bring that back. Maybe I would if I could, but it's an intellectual excercise, and it's not like those things wouldn't get out eventually. It's wanting to go back to a time that seemed healthy, but it's hard to argue that it actually was.
So, I guess it's the melencholy you experience when contemplating loss. I left behind people I love, and I've seen a lot of the things I cherish dissapear from my life. In exchange, I have this job in the northwest. I feel a little like a pilgrim, who's in search of some kind of truth about himself and, little by little, more becomes exposed. It's interesting and neither unpleasent nor wholly pleasing, but it's a major reason for me being here today.
And if, at the end of this contract, I feel like my time here is up, I'll decide what to do next. I've got a permanant standing invitation to come home whenever I need to, so there's a chance I might, resplendant in physical and spiritual riches. Or maybe just a little peice of mind and a little money to start again, again.
Practically, there really isn't anything to do. Well, not big changes. I think I've made all the big changes I really can, and I'm actually starting to see payoff, so I'm enthusiastic about following that up. So the angst I'm feeling really isn't the drive to flee my new environs, but is probably partially impaitiance, but it's also partially a combination of homesickness and the after-effects of my previous situation.
When talking to me, I feel one of the elephants in the room is my breakup with Viski. This isn't the only thing on my mind, but I think it's disingenuous to say it's not a factor for me. There was a period in time where that relationship was one of the few things I had going for me in a string of shit, and that seperation took a long time to sink in because it happened at a point where I was already kind of insane. So, part of my unease comes from the fact that I left both everything that was bad about my situation and most of the things that were left that were good. The other is the fact that I'm almost just now getting a clear look at what's happened to me in the past year.
It really does seem like a blur. This is shortly after I got my position at Circuit City last year, and I got really positive about things turning around for me. A little before that, well, sometime in the spring, was the last time that my family was together. So, even though things are coming up, they're coming up from a steep decent. If I'm looking at an upsurge in my fortune, I've certainly paid dearly for it in karma. Sometimes, I kind of wish I could have things back at the height of my good fortune, previous to now. My family was together, I had a girlfriend I loved, my brother wasn't in prison, I was living a life I like... hell, even my dog was alive. You know, you can't bring that back. Maybe I would if I could, but it's an intellectual excercise, and it's not like those things wouldn't get out eventually. It's wanting to go back to a time that seemed healthy, but it's hard to argue that it actually was.
So, I guess it's the melencholy you experience when contemplating loss. I left behind people I love, and I've seen a lot of the things I cherish dissapear from my life. In exchange, I have this job in the northwest. I feel a little like a pilgrim, who's in search of some kind of truth about himself and, little by little, more becomes exposed. It's interesting and neither unpleasent nor wholly pleasing, but it's a major reason for me being here today.
And if, at the end of this contract, I feel like my time here is up, I'll decide what to do next. I've got a permanant standing invitation to come home whenever I need to, so there's a chance I might, resplendant in physical and spiritual riches. Or maybe just a little peice of mind and a little money to start again, again.
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