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The world's full of fuck ups. Like, mistakes, but mostly people. Remember that we're actually just a bunch of animals that accidently realized how to make rocks consistently pointy and start fires. That's literally how we started this gig. So, the world is pretty full of fucked up apes who are constantly screwing things up.
And there's really nothing in the world like waking up and realizing, without a doubt, that you are among that number. You can't escape it, you just are, and you have to live your entire life being kind of a shitty human being. Everything you do that isn't shitty is kind of you just faking it and hoping nobody really notices how awful you are, and you just have to keep faking it forever just because.
This is the stuff of religious conversions. And yeah, this is about drinking. Sure, my self-loathing comes in a lot of flavors, this one just happens to be 'nickles and regret'.
But yeah, if you've seen me in person, you probably know I'm an intolerable drunk, that I get drunk easily, and I get drunk a little too often. Objectively, you can kind of tell that's going to be a problem, especially someone with a long family history of substance abuse, depression, and fucking suicide. I think if you're playing a game or something, you can probably see that setup, and you'd make a decision to stay away from liquor because the minus outweigh the plusses by a magnitude. But drinking is pretty much definitionally not a rational agenda, so you can kind of know something in a theoretical way, but for me, it takes like... I dunno, like a fucking decade to decide that enough is probably enough. And, I mean, enough turns out to be literally none in my case. It's not fair, but there it is, I guess.
Yeah, it's not fair. It sucks. I said the same thing just today, with tears in my eyes while wearing a terrycloth bathrobe that's got adorable cats stitched on it, at 10 AM. I'm poor and I've been kicked around by a good cross section of modern America, and now I realize I can't even drink my way to happiness. But there's no miserable feeling quite like waking up to the concerned, unhappy looks of your partner - who loves you, and whom you love more than anything else that readily comes to mind on the entire planet, and whom you've also hurt. Not physically, hopefully. No, not violently. But by being this person who you don't even remember. Realizing that you literally black out. Whole events and evenings become hazy or just aren't there at all. And, knowing you expect that to happen, you realize that you're a mega-fuck-up.
This is the stuff of religious conversions, because you want it to go away. Nobody can tell you that you're not a fuckup, because you know it with a certainty that you can't really apply to anything else. Someone can say to you, "You're a mess, but Jesus'll fix that." and the big miracle to you isn't turning water into wine or making lots of bread out of a little bread, it's that someone can turn this boat around for you.
But really, nobody can do that. You know - and when I say you, I mean 'I' but I know that there's no solution except to just stop being a giant bag of dicks and since this is not a rational problem and liquor is not a rational actor, that basically means I don't get to drink any more. It doesn't sound like a fun solution, but believe me, I've tried to find a way around this. If you're trying to puzzle one out, just trust me on this one.
You know, and I'm not talking about having a beer with dinner or something while I'm out. It's not like beer's a magic potion or something, but clearly I'm not cut out for the activity known as 'drinking'. And as I come out of my morning haze, I know that I'm not some kind of worse-than-usual dude, I'm just another person out there with problems, and one of those is drinking too much and not being able to really cut myself off. This has been a big burden to me ever since I've started drinking, and crawling out of the bottle in the morning is consistently one of the most humiliating, terrible feelings I can name. The fact that I can skip all of that just by not doing something almost seems like magic to me. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'll see where that takes me, because it probably beats this to hell.
And there's really nothing in the world like waking up and realizing, without a doubt, that you are among that number. You can't escape it, you just are, and you have to live your entire life being kind of a shitty human being. Everything you do that isn't shitty is kind of you just faking it and hoping nobody really notices how awful you are, and you just have to keep faking it forever just because.
This is the stuff of religious conversions. And yeah, this is about drinking. Sure, my self-loathing comes in a lot of flavors, this one just happens to be 'nickles and regret'.
But yeah, if you've seen me in person, you probably know I'm an intolerable drunk, that I get drunk easily, and I get drunk a little too often. Objectively, you can kind of tell that's going to be a problem, especially someone with a long family history of substance abuse, depression, and fucking suicide. I think if you're playing a game or something, you can probably see that setup, and you'd make a decision to stay away from liquor because the minus outweigh the plusses by a magnitude. But drinking is pretty much definitionally not a rational agenda, so you can kind of know something in a theoretical way, but for me, it takes like... I dunno, like a fucking decade to decide that enough is probably enough. And, I mean, enough turns out to be literally none in my case. It's not fair, but there it is, I guess.
Yeah, it's not fair. It sucks. I said the same thing just today, with tears in my eyes while wearing a terrycloth bathrobe that's got adorable cats stitched on it, at 10 AM. I'm poor and I've been kicked around by a good cross section of modern America, and now I realize I can't even drink my way to happiness. But there's no miserable feeling quite like waking up to the concerned, unhappy looks of your partner - who loves you, and whom you love more than anything else that readily comes to mind on the entire planet, and whom you've also hurt. Not physically, hopefully. No, not violently. But by being this person who you don't even remember. Realizing that you literally black out. Whole events and evenings become hazy or just aren't there at all. And, knowing you expect that to happen, you realize that you're a mega-fuck-up.
This is the stuff of religious conversions, because you want it to go away. Nobody can tell you that you're not a fuckup, because you know it with a certainty that you can't really apply to anything else. Someone can say to you, "You're a mess, but Jesus'll fix that." and the big miracle to you isn't turning water into wine or making lots of bread out of a little bread, it's that someone can turn this boat around for you.
But really, nobody can do that. You know - and when I say you, I mean 'I' but I know that there's no solution except to just stop being a giant bag of dicks and since this is not a rational problem and liquor is not a rational actor, that basically means I don't get to drink any more. It doesn't sound like a fun solution, but believe me, I've tried to find a way around this. If you're trying to puzzle one out, just trust me on this one.
You know, and I'm not talking about having a beer with dinner or something while I'm out. It's not like beer's a magic potion or something, but clearly I'm not cut out for the activity known as 'drinking'. And as I come out of my morning haze, I know that I'm not some kind of worse-than-usual dude, I'm just another person out there with problems, and one of those is drinking too much and not being able to really cut myself off. This has been a big burden to me ever since I've started drinking, and crawling out of the bottle in the morning is consistently one of the most humiliating, terrible feelings I can name. The fact that I can skip all of that just by not doing something almost seems like magic to me. So, that's what I'm going to do. I'll see where that takes me, because it probably beats this to hell.