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I haven't wanted to just let my journal sit on that last message, but it has for a while and despite my not really being able to adaquately summarize where I am right now and what's going on, I felt like I ought to at least break the silence for my own mental well-being. I just mean to say that there are times when what I know is visible - regardless of who I think is looking at it, in terms of stuff I've written publically - still has an effect on me. I wonder if that's just the mental image or, like, the residual self-image of my portrayal. Who I'm seen as. Maybe it affects me in the same way that getting nicely dressed even if you're not going out can affect your ability to work, or how you portray yourself in conversations on the phone. It seems like a reasonable connection...
One of my instructors - a professor I have great personal respect for as well as liking as a person - has really bollocksed up our class. Though part of the issue is, I'm absolutely sure, completely accidental (it's a new class and it lacks focus, which has caused we students quite a lot of distress) some of it is seems to have a lot to do with department politics. There's an ongoing debate/discussion/fistfight about research and citation standards across the department, and I feel that we've been thrown under the bus a bit (perhaps subconciously) in order to prove a point. The issue that we've run into as a class is a last-minute change of research methodology - something that wouldn't have been a fucking problem at all if some standards for the class had just been articulated at the beginning of the semester.
I've had a few stress meltdowns, several of my colleagues have. Our professor alternates between talking to us colloquially, as adults, and then patronizingly, as if we were particularly stupid children. Nothing will make me happier than when this semester is over.
Things are still very difficult for me, and my quality of work has gone down. I just tell myself that, if I can manage another few weeks, I'll at least be on to a different set of problems with a little time to pull myself together in the interim.
One of my instructors - a professor I have great personal respect for as well as liking as a person - has really bollocksed up our class. Though part of the issue is, I'm absolutely sure, completely accidental (it's a new class and it lacks focus, which has caused we students quite a lot of distress) some of it is seems to have a lot to do with department politics. There's an ongoing debate/discussion/fistfight about research and citation standards across the department, and I feel that we've been thrown under the bus a bit (perhaps subconciously) in order to prove a point. The issue that we've run into as a class is a last-minute change of research methodology - something that wouldn't have been a fucking problem at all if some standards for the class had just been articulated at the beginning of the semester.
I've had a few stress meltdowns, several of my colleagues have. Our professor alternates between talking to us colloquially, as adults, and then patronizingly, as if we were particularly stupid children. Nothing will make me happier than when this semester is over.
Things are still very difficult for me, and my quality of work has gone down. I just tell myself that, if I can manage another few weeks, I'll at least be on to a different set of problems with a little time to pull myself together in the interim.