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Sometime a while ago, I was talking with Mark about journaling. Something about me working is a pit of a call center, and having nothing to do for about 10 hours at a time in the howling dark hours of the night.
So, you know, I just read peoples journals for a while.
I got it in my head to look over my own, and discovered that I had archives back to 2003, and I should have had entries back even further. It's 2008 now, so '03 wasn't too long ago. I remember back to '00 and thinking that I wanted to run a Magic: the Gathering tourney for New Years Eve to celebrate the game making it to the new century, and even further back as fairly current events. Nothing, really, could be further from the truth for me if we're talking how close my mindset is to now, though. Checking my entries, I discovered that I was painfully depressed around my freshman college year, and also that my pre-college online journal was eaten in a server crunch some time ago.
So, I don't have any records of my angsty high-school endeavors, as much as I'd like them. But my college articles are pretty much as sad, so. Tragically, it was high school where I learned you should not post entries you don't want everyone to see, so I missed out on that fun. Oddly, things were bad enough in freshman college that near the end of my call center job, I was to depressed to read them, and some caused a feeling vaguely similar to a panic attack.
These days, it's an interesting exercise to go back over them, but not entirely without pangs of old regrets and being astounded in not just how much I changed, but how much others changed with me. These days, high school isn't really hazy, but it's important for me to remember that I wasn't fully conscious the whole time. I might try to go back and recall those days to put them in writing, if only because I don't really want to forget.
Anyway, I'm archiving a lot of these entries now so I have access to them, and it's pretty long work. Even if it's not hard, it's kind of emotionally grueling. So, I do a few months at a time, and feel like I'm healthier now then ever, for what it's worth.
It's a long road to a sane point of view. The more control I've had over my own life, the more stable I become, and high school is a torrent of ill-considered emotional energy anyhow. It's hard not to think, though, that as long as I'm archiving, the last year is going to be awful. I have so many entries, and stuff like this just adds to it. >_>
So, you know, I just read peoples journals for a while.
I got it in my head to look over my own, and discovered that I had archives back to 2003, and I should have had entries back even further. It's 2008 now, so '03 wasn't too long ago. I remember back to '00 and thinking that I wanted to run a Magic: the Gathering tourney for New Years Eve to celebrate the game making it to the new century, and even further back as fairly current events. Nothing, really, could be further from the truth for me if we're talking how close my mindset is to now, though. Checking my entries, I discovered that I was painfully depressed around my freshman college year, and also that my pre-college online journal was eaten in a server crunch some time ago.
So, I don't have any records of my angsty high-school endeavors, as much as I'd like them. But my college articles are pretty much as sad, so. Tragically, it was high school where I learned you should not post entries you don't want everyone to see, so I missed out on that fun. Oddly, things were bad enough in freshman college that near the end of my call center job, I was to depressed to read them, and some caused a feeling vaguely similar to a panic attack.
These days, it's an interesting exercise to go back over them, but not entirely without pangs of old regrets and being astounded in not just how much I changed, but how much others changed with me. These days, high school isn't really hazy, but it's important for me to remember that I wasn't fully conscious the whole time. I might try to go back and recall those days to put them in writing, if only because I don't really want to forget.
Anyway, I'm archiving a lot of these entries now so I have access to them, and it's pretty long work. Even if it's not hard, it's kind of emotionally grueling. So, I do a few months at a time, and feel like I'm healthier now then ever, for what it's worth.
It's a long road to a sane point of view. The more control I've had over my own life, the more stable I become, and high school is a torrent of ill-considered emotional energy anyhow. It's hard not to think, though, that as long as I'm archiving, the last year is going to be awful. I have so many entries, and stuff like this just adds to it. >_>
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