90% personal whining, and a bit of a happy ending.

[atolnon]

I thought there was no more D&D game, and that is not correct. There is one more. We are level 15. The game is tomorrow, so I have a character to rebuild.

I threw out the sheets. It was a gamble easily avoided. Such is life. It's hard to forget what I did for a level 15 Eldrich Knight anyhow. Level 5 Abjurer, level 1 Fighter, level 9 Knight. No funny stuff.

I've been in an utterly shit mood, culminating in me walking out of the bar at, well, around the time I probably should have - except pissy. I've had shards of nail stuck in my toe for two weeks (which is gross, I know), and it felt like I had a shard of glass between my nail and my flesh. I was dealing with a sinus infection, which left me sore all over somehow, and every night for a week when I went to bed, I woke up no more refreshed then I had gone to sleep as. On Wednesday, I shouldn't have gone anywhere, and instead I went out to this shitty bar in a shitty town to celebrate my good friend's birthday.

While I was there, I felt like people had been giving me shit all night. I really had nothing. No thick skin to deal with it, my mind was too numb to really shoot my mouth off. All I had was this rage which generated under my skin, without me really realizing it. When I turned to deal in poker, and I caught a round of crap for doing an admittedly poor job (I don't know about poker, and I wasn't really very alert), I just kind of saw red, lay down the cards and announced that I didn't need to take it, I was walking out.

And I don't remember what I said. I probably just mumbled something. Hard to tell. I finished the hand and left. I don't really know if anyone thought anything of it. I'm already known for being erratic, for a different reason every year. I went home and went to bed almost immediately.

Here's the thing, and it's embarrassing, and I'll have to live with it forever. If you're paranoid, and if it gets worse the more tired and depressed you become, you don't know when people really are ashamed or irritated by you, or if you're just insane. It's not funny. It's not all CIA and tinfoil. Sometimes it's just a tired guy who thinks his friends just wish he'd go away. 

I was depressed all today. I came back from work tired and unhappy, but when I got in, Frank was pretty excited. He'd seen that I was obviously feeling worse then normal last night and he'd made chicken soup, fresh bread and tea, all pretty much ready as I walked in. And then he admitted that I was right about an obscure rule we'd discussed the day before, so I guess he was really concerned. It was really pretty nice, and as cross as I was all day, it actually went really far towards making me feel better just in terms of being cross at the world.

I didn't get too much done today. But I feel a little better.

Comments

[atolnon.livejournal.com]

I can usually make time, but it's better to know about two days in advance of when you'd want to do it. A lot of times I can just pick up and go, but my life has picked up on the business factor.

Don't sweat not having seen me. I haven't exactly been ringing you on the phone either, so I certainly can't blame you.