[Personal Stuff] I should probably re-evaluate my actions.

[atolnon]

I got hammered last night.
Sitting at my desk today, fighting off nausea and a sense of unease that's so consistent at to almost be a trademark I realized that I really don't like this process. Not just the hangover, which tends to skip headaches in favor of a sense of existential despair which speaks of other issues, but really, I don't even like being drunk that much. I don't really like the person I am or the decisions I make. And I do make terrible decisions with an appalling frequency. So, like I mentioned, sitting here at my desk I just thought, "I'd probably be happier if I just stopped drinking, in general."

And then I realized that's probably a really good idea.

I'm going to get a little personal here. If you're not really interested, I'm not going to take offense. I usually prefer just to talk about troublesome Exalted sessions and what video game I'm playing, and I've been content to keep it like that for a while. Anyway, I'll level. My family has some pretty intense mental health issues combined with genes that tend to point in the direction of alcoholism. When i struggled with depression even more because of my circumstances, I drank way too heavily. I tend to binge when I do drink, and I tend to drink more frequently then I should. I've worried about this tendency in the past, but haven't really done anything about it, because I didn't want to worry that it might be an issue for me.

I don't know if it is, really. I can't tell. But, you know, that's not really a great sign anyhow. And besides, I'm wicked tired of waking up and trying to remember what stupid thing I did this time. It really needs to change. So, uh, I guess I'm not going to drink anymore. It's one thing to have a drink at dinner or whatever, but honestly, I'm just going to stop in general for a while and see if my life changes. Maybe I can start making less of an embarrassment of myself.

Comments

[dimfuture.livejournal.com]

Well, you don't know me from Adam, so take this for as much or as little as you like. I did something very similar many years ago. And I'll try to keep it brief, to avoid being boring.

My family also tends toward alcoholism, or at least alcohol abuse. My parents struggled with it a lot, and it led to a lot of ugliness. I didn't drink much until my mid-twenties, at which point I cultivated a real taste for hard liquor. At first, there were no real side effects -- I was a happy drunk, didn't have much in the way of hangovers, and it loosened me up enough that I could function better in social circumstances.

But uncomfortable things began to happen. My liquor cabinet went from being almost empty to being full of liquor, all the time. I was spending probably $100 a month on booze. I would get hammered just for the sake of it, by myself, on weeknights. When I saw someone drinking on TV or in the movies, my eye would get hypnotically drawn to the glass they were holding, and I'd start craving a drink. My problem wasn't that I didn't like it -- I liked it way too much.

So one day I just poured it all down the sink. I didn't stop entirely, but it slowed to a trickle, and there stopped being a supply of booze in the house. When I went on medication, I stopped entirely, and haven't had a drop in about fifteen months. Don't miss it, either.

The short version is, good for you. For what it's worth from some guy on the Internet, I think it's a fine decision, and I hope you will be happier for it. Honestly, I suspect you will be. And good luck.

[atolnon.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the feedback. And yeah, it's just become a habit. I drink all the time, and it wasn't even because I particularly wanted to. I just got hammered because that's what we tend to do. Given how I can act and my family history, I realized that it's a habit well worth breaking.

[baronsamedi.livejournal.com]

I think you are making the right decision, and it is not an easy one.

If you have non-drinking friends, or friends you can count on to not drink around you, see if you can see them on nights where you are feeling especially vulnerable.

If you are on google talk and want to PM me an email, I can be here to offer support on chat as well.

It sounds like you want to do the right thing, and I say good on you.

[atolnon.livejournal.com]

I do appreciate that.
Interestingly, I'm not really driven to drink except when I've already started. I don't really have cravings for alcoholic drinks. It's a non-standard model for addiction, I'm sure, but that doesn't change the fact that I act like a total idiot when I'm hammered and that's what's effecting my life.

[baronsamedi.livejournal.com]

well that will...hypothetically, be easier to deal with then? maybe?

offer stands, either way. Take care of yourself.

[drbuzzkill.livejournal.com]

When it comes to chemical recreation and/or self-medication, I've always believed that if it's not enjoyable or effective anymore, one should never be afraid to stop.

I think this will be good for you, whether the end result is to live the rest of your life dry or to simply re-evaluate your intake levels.

And if nothing else, you won't have to wake up and try to remember how much of a jackass you were anymore. Just sayin'. :)

[nagarerutenshi.livejournal.com]

That does sound like a good decision you're making, kid. I hope it goes like you're planning.